A letter to my daughter.

// A Moment

I remember the moment, the exact moment that your mum told me that we were expecting. We'd had so many false starts, the hopes of pregnancy tests which appeared to be positive but were always negative - the rollercoaster of emotions every single month as we tried again and again.

You weren't ever going to happen in the eyes of your mum, we'd fallen pregnant and then lost - we'd tried and tried but to no avail. The pregnancy tests always seemed to have a faint line which would build up hopes but then they'd be dashed again as the line would fade, along with our hopes.

But this one was different - all the faint lines before now did seem really faint as the line on this test was really prominent.

We'd done it.

But now.. we've got a child on the way. You're on the way.

For the first time in a long time, I (yes, me) started to panic a little - what about cars, what about money, your mum gets really sick when she's pregnant, what about all the things that a baby needs - deep breathes, widened eyes and a little smile - I like these challenges.

Plus, unfortunately we'd lost our last baby quite early into the pregnancy and I didn't want to experience that feeling again - seeing your mum broken was awful and a little part of me was praying every single night everything was going to be ok.

// Me

I'm not normally one who gets worried or flustered but this was a whole different ball game - my brain went into overdrive and I was thinking of all the things we needed to do before the end of the year. I stepped up my outreach to new clients for Let Them Create as that's the thing I know how to do - we needed more money and I started completing work that would mean you would have everything.

As the weeks turned into months, the panic and the anxiety began to mellow but there were waves of both excitement, happiness and then weirdly - sadness.

I was thinking about all the things that you'd missed - this is the strangest part for me - I was thinking about all the things that you'd not seen because you hadn't been there.

My mind immediately went to our wedding day - of course, you weren't there and it made me a little sad that you never got to see your mum in a wedding dress, it made me sad that you weren't a part of it all and that didn't have you in any of the pictures.

Then there was the insignificant moments that you weren't there for - getting the dogs, the cat we got a few weeks after your mum and I met (12 long years ago almost) - all of these things kept coming into my mind and making me sad that you weren't there to be a part of it.

Now, I know that may sound strange but I think I was worried about the life we had before - that life that was in a routine - we'd just been to Disneyland, your mum and I had just got back from a night away in Bath to celebrate your mums birthday - all these things you'd missed out on and for some strange reason, I wanted you to know.

Now, the sadness was obviously overwhelmed by the happiness and the excitement - that's without question.

We were having a baby and when we finally got to tell people about you, that's when it became real. Yes, your mum was sick - yes, her morning sickness was awful but every day that she felt ill meant that you'd stuck around for one more day and that meant everything.

We got to 12 weeks and seeing you on the screen for the first time was magical. My heart pounded as the doctor looked for your little heart and when they showed you on screen, my eyes filled up. I squeezed your mums hand so tight, it was very special.

// The Past

The last time your mum and I went through this together - we weren't husband and wife, we'd met 18 months before and there was a LOT going on in our lives.

Some would say that it probably wasn't the smartest move to have a child 10 years ago given the stuff we were going through - I was a completely different person back then but it made us. Your brother, Theo arrived in early 2016 and I'm sure your mum will agree, we were getting through the days without much of a plan.

I've told this story before so it's not a surprise but when your mum was pregnant with Theo - 10 years ago now, I remember your mum being very ill with morning sickness and the only thing that would help would be packets of noodles.

Now, noodles from the supermarket (even 10 years ago) were cheap but I was counting out copper coins from a savings jar to go and buy those noodles and that's what I mean by, your brother made us.

Up until I met your mum, I had lived in survival mode - only caring about myself and looking after what I needed to so that I could move to the next day. When we had Theo, things had to change, we had to plan for life with a baby and I changed jobs (I wasn't that well paid back then) - your mum supported me in my career and we're now in a much better position.

It's nice now to be able to have you come into our lives and I don't have to count the copper coins from the change jar to buy noodles - I understand thats a privileged position to be in but now, we're 10 years older (and wiser) and we're doing things properly.

I've told this story to a few people recently as a comparison but never did I think we'd be able to buy our baby pram from John Lewis and not have to worry - that's meaningful to us.

// Your Mum

I want to tell you about your mum because I think it's important.

I'm not a saint - like most men, I can be a fool and I make stupid decisions. I've hurt people, I've pushed people away and whilst I can attribute some of that to 'just how I am' - a lot of it is stubborness and bloody-mindedness but your mum sees something in me which I can't understand.

She brings out the best in me - she pushes me to succeed, she reigns in my ego when it goes too far and she comforts me when I'm feeling low.

I would give the world to your mum if I could and I want to try everyday to be a better person for her - I don't always get it right and I'm not always the best husband at times but without her love and support, I probably wouldn't be the man I am today.

Your mum doesn't want much - even this Christmas it's been like getting blood from a stone to get a sense of what Christmas presents she wants - but she wanted you.

That was her wish and I did my best to support it - I held her hand, I've comforted her when it didn't happen and now, I can see every single day, the love that is growing around her because of you. You've already had such an incredible impact on our family and I can't wait to meet you soon.

// A Girl

As I write this letter - we have no more than 22 days to go until we meet - it's a 5% chance that we'll meet today but every day we get closer to 38 weeks, that chance grows and I'm on standby.

I've never had a little girl before - only boys.

Yes, we've got your sister, Layla whom I've done my absolute best for - I met your sister when she was 5 (shes now 16) and every single day I've shown up for her but this feels different.

From the moment you're born, I can identify as a girl dad. Boys are completely different - you can chuck boys around from early on and they laugh and giggle because they're fighting and playing with dad, the feeling I have for you is completely different, I just want to cuddle you up and make sure you feel safe and cared for everyday, no brutal body slams, no throwing onto the sofa, no rough and tumble - just cuddles and love.

That's a weird feeling for me and I wonder who I would have been if I'd had a girl earlier - maybe I would be more mellow?

Boys take a lot of energy, they constantly move, destroy and battle with you - they want to test their boundaries and they want to explore but I'm guessing, because I don't know, this will be different.

At this stage, I'm so excited for you to be here, I know the car journey back home will be a traumatic experience as I fend off all comers for my baby girl - avoiding potholes, drains and even leaves to give you the most comfy journey home possible.

Having a girl has already changed me, I can feel it. I feel like when Theo was born, he unlocked a new level inside of me - your mum helped with that but this, this is a whole different ball game and I can't wait for the ride.

I'll see you soon (maybe today?!) but please, if you can - wait until after Christmas and New Year - I'd love a 2026 baby.

Love you, Daddy x