Becoming Me

// The Early Years

Ah, that unfathomable question ‘What is the key to happiness?’

Many will say money. Some will say status and reputation. Others will say their family, good friends and a stable home or maybe something more material.

Happiness in life matters to me. I’ve always been searching for it.

It’s something I need so I feel I’m living. I want to be happy, and I get great pleasure from seeing others happy too.

Why do I put so much value on happiness?

Maybe it’s because it wasn’t something I experienced much as a child.

There was always tension in my home. I don’t want to disappear into some rabbit hole about being the child of immigrant parents (my mum and dad arrived in the UK in the early 1960s) and how they had to work harder to provide a home, put food on the table and clothe us.

But I know every penny they strived for was hard earned. My dad did a series of tough, low-skilled jobs whilst, undoubtedly, having to endure frequent racial abuse which was commonplace at those times.

My mum and dad were complicated and had a very fraught relationship. I was loved, but they couldn’t or didn’t know how to give the time and attention which I was looking for from them.

So the roots of happiness were not really laid down in childhood for me. Sadly I think that’s the same for a lot of kids these days. The pressures on parents who work ridiculous hours or are worried because of not having a job, the cost of living, fractured families, societal expectations, too much of life lived through tech, whatever the reasons, are all factors in having a negative impact on quality of children’s lives.

// The Middle Years

I struggled through teenage and early adult years, searching for happiness. This isn’t some kind of ‘woe is me’ analysis because there were times when I really enjoyed myself.

· I loved doing my degree in Newcastle upon Tyne. The significance is not lost on me that I chose to go the other end of the country to study to get as far away from home in London.

· I met a lovely young man at college, and we decided to get married after I finished my postgrad teaching qualification.

· I went into teaching, after giving up my ambition to be a professional singer, because it felt like a safe and more acceptable career to pursue especially as I was about to settle into a life of domestic bliss.

Later in life, I realised that my motivation to follow these goals was because I thought they’d make me happy.

I should seek to create a stable family/ home life.

I should get married.

I should carve out a professional career.

You know what I’m going to say. Unfortunately the first marriage all went horribly wrong after a few years. I made mistakes. Call it not allowing myself to be happy. Ironic, eh?

I hung on in the teaching career for longer than I should have done - almost thirty years. I wasn’t fulfilled in my work and was looking for a way out for a long time.

I realised till then I’d done things to please other people, or because it was expected.

After the life-changing event of a marriage breakup and then meeting husband number 2, I learnt some new things in my search for happiness:

· To put more trust in myself

· To follow my instinct

· To go with my thoughts and let them reach a natural conclusion, rather than try to stifle them with ‘I should or I shouldn’t’.

// A Life Changer

My mum died when I was 51 and that was a critical turning point.

The brevity of life hit me, whilst grieving for my mum, and my mental state dropped to a drastic low point. I couldn’t bear the thought of wishing my life away with the end goal being retirement from teaching.

Something had to change before I spiralled down any further.

Somehow, the gods of Google heard my plea. I was scrolling on my phone wondering if there was such a thing as working in social media. It turned out there was.

A six-month social media marketing course popped up and I went for it.

Changing my career changed my life. I found not only a job I love doing, but a new depth of self-awareness.

Recognising my strengths rather than constantly fighting with myself to be something different gave me the courage to accept myself and learn self-love.

There is nothing selfish about loving yourself, because I believe unless you love yourself without limitations, you can never truly begin to love others unconditionally.

Of course, making such a change in career later in life brought its challenges as well as wins, but the difference it has made to my life overall is profound.

// Deeper Thinking

I started to ask deeper questions.

• · What do I value?

• · What brings me meaning?

• · What am I prepared to accept?

• · What drains me, even if it pleases others?

• · What do I want to feel I’ve contributed to the world in my life? (A bit deep I know, but worth pondering on)

I decided to put more trust in my values to drive my actions. You could call it living life more intentionally.

I opened my mind.

I tried new things.

I welcomed new opportunities.

I met new people.

I began to take more risks.

I stopped comparing myself to others – this is so important, especially when you’re starting in a new career or running your own business.

I developed a more ‘f**k it ‘attitude.

I found my voice.

As my acupuncturist of 20 years puts it so eloquently,

I have stepped into my own truth and am living a life of authenticity.

I’ve learnt that when your life is aligned with who you truly are, then the key to being happy is more within reach.

// The Payoff is worth it.

Living authentically means making choices that reflect my values, even when they don’t align with what others expect.

It isn’t always easy. Saying no can feel awkward. Choosing a different path can feel risky. Having a point of view, especially on an emotive issue, may attract attention and criticism. You will pee people off. Despite this, I can’t help but speak up about the issues that bother me - ageism, racism, unacceptable attitudes to women, social injustice.

If I don’t use my voice, how can I say that I’ve done what I can to make this world better?

I’ve learned that when I stay close to my values, I am being more honest with myself.

When my actions match what I believe in, life feels more grounded and meaningful, even if it’s not perfect.

For me, happiness hasn’t come from having more or proving myself. I stopped being a people pleaser, the thing which had defined me in my youth.

Happiness comes from being real. That’s a good feeling.

Choosing authenticity has helped me feel more connected, more confident, and more at ease. I haven’t everything figured out, but at the age of 60 I’m happier now than I ever have been. That’s why I’m not worried about being my age, as long as I am healthy and maintain an open mind and heart.

If finding inner happiness feels a bit self-centred, let me share the difference it’s making to the people who matter most.

I’m a better partner to my husband.

I’m a better parent to my 18 year old daughter.

I’m a better friend to the people in my circle.

I’m also a better person to work with.

Living as I do now, in my own truth, has made happiness less like something to search for and more like a natural occurrence.

I’m happy being me.

How important is happiness to you? You may think it’s over-rated. Do you think some people are more predisposed to happiness than others? I’d love to know your point of view.