Finding your feet again takes time.

// This Week

When I need to make videos and I need to step in front of a camera, it's a mindset thing - I think it's always been the same, even when I was vlogging, I would always need to be full of confidence before I grabbed the mini gorilla pod (the thing that goes on the bottom of the camera) and swivel the lens so it faced myself.

Whenever that lens is on me, I know it's game time but the effort it takes to swivel that lens and then press the 'record' button, that takes confidence.

I know from experience (again, from when I was vlogging) that if I was having a bad day or I had things going on in my personal life, that I wouldn't be as good on camera as I should be - I wouldn't have the same energy and I wouldn't be able to creatively edit in the way that I liked - in most cases, I wouldn't edit at all and I'd have a ton of footage which now sits on a hard drive somewhere and will never be seen.

This week has been a week where things have been in the right place and it's been a while since that's been the case - I've been both in front of and also behind the camera and looking back, it's been a while since I've felt comfortable doing that.. I suffered with a large case of 'burnout' - something I could probably now call 'stress and fatigue' - a few years ago and it knocked me out, knocked my confidence so much that I feared doing anything creative. I just wanted to stay in my own space and if I just did enough, the bare minimum - then I was doing what I needed to do.

// The Push

The You Are the Media Creator Day is coming up next week - it's the big annual event for the community - you could say it's a large conference but it's probably more than that now because the whole event has turned into a week long fringe festival with various smaller event's now populating the calendar before the big one on Thursday.

Last year, I filmed a little intro video with my good friend John Jocham, I was in a boot from breaking my ankle so I had an excuse not to be on camera or be a part of the 'on screen' stuff - I desperately wanted to but I just didn't - whilst the film went down well and standing off stage, the people laughed at the right moments and it was well received, I couldn't help but wonder what I could have done differently and so, I volunteered to do another video this year.

But that's not all - my creative brain ticks at about a thousand miles per hour and there are just video ideas streaming all the time - so I also volunteered to help put together a short video for Alix King who is delivering a talk at one of those fringe events (Failed Nights) and then over New Year, Mark and I came up with an idea for another video - one which has no dialogue and will be used to promote the You Are the Media club space.

All of these video ideas all meant that I had to either be in front of the camera or edit - and I have to say, at first it was tough. I didn't realise until the past few days that I'd been blocking myself from doing anything creative like this and whilst the edit's and filming have been coming on thick and fast over the last few days, it appears that it's done something to my creativity.

// The Tap

I've taken time away from the family over the last few months to film footage, to plan scripts of my own video, to set up still camera works to capture photos for a Timelapse sequence and slowly but surely, it feels like a seized tap in my own brain has been opened.

Imagine a tap which has been dripping for a long time, it's the tap that's in your grandad's shed, over a large basin and for as long as you can remember, the tap has been dripping - someone a long time ago tried their best to shut that tap off and in doing so, has tightened up the tap so that the drip is barely noticeable but the drip still remained.

You've gone back to that tap over the past few years and you've tried so many times to let the tap flow but the tap's been seized so much that you just couldn't do it - you needed a set of mole grips and a crowbar to get that open and you just haven't had the time or patience (or confidence) to actually get those tools and start the work to open the tap.

That's what's been happening in my mind - the ideas have been slowly dripping and thanks to the stress and fatigue burnout thing that I went through - that tap has been well and truly tightened up.

The fact that I've said yes to so many creative things over the last few months and pushed myself to create something for other people - I'm not just talking about the videos for Creator Day here either - means that actually, it's cranking that tap open.

That tap is flowing now and the ideas, the confidence and the actual will to create things is getting back to where it once was and I'm loving it - over the last few days I've also been creating 'creative' videos for my year long ice bath challenge because I'd felt that my 'take my top off, step into ice bath, click fingers and say 'Brave the Wave' before dipping' videos were becoming stale but now I'm in full flow, there are videos in my head which I'm forcing myself to make and I'm loving this fresh water which is flowing from the creative tap.

// The Problem

I don't think it was a conscious decision to close the creative flow - it was done out of necessity and I think it was a ramped up version of what happens when we stopped being kids - we have to 'grow up' and do adult things and slowly but surely, we lose any sense of adventure or excitement for things which don't add to the daily grind of work. Work becomes the priority and unfortunately, that means sacrificing fun things.

For me, filming and being creative is fun - it's my happy place and I love having the freedom to create things which are in my head and then I bring them to life.

The problem isn't that we can't do these things - it's because we choose not to and when you suffer a bout of burnout, the thing that matters most is the need to survive and the side effect? Restriction of fun.

I am starting to see that there is an antidote to the burnout and it's counterintuitive because you have to be put into a position where you do feel creative again - you have to be in a space which allows you the time and space to have the tools to open that tap and that takes time.

Finding your feet, getting your confidence back all takes time and there is no prescribed limit on it all - I've lost count of the times when I've said that I want to return to vlogging or that I want to create a new video - the will and the wish is always there because I'm inherently creative, it's just the fact that I lacked confidence.

The problem with not creating when you want to is that the confidence slips further away and it becomes a never ending cycle of that feeling of failure and you don't even look in the shed anymore, so you can't even see the tap.

// The Solution

The remedy I've come to understand is people.

When you spend time with other creatives, you see that other peoples taps are flowing and you help them all look in their own sheds and you help them all open their taps a little more (I think I'm going to stop with the tap analogy now, it's going too far) - but the fact that you spend time with other people means you get to relax more.

You need to spend time with people who don't put pressure on you to be anything other than yourself and you need to be with people who don't expect miracles or perfection - they only expect you to try.

I don't mean this how it's going to sound but when you spend time with other 'creative' people, you're forced to look at that closed tap (ok, one last time) and they push you to just look at it and see that you can open up and increase the flow of ideas again.

I have to say that being in a community like You Are the Media has allowed me to look at my creative flow again because, without that confidence in my ability from others, I probably wouldn't have picked up a camera again and that means, I would have had to grow up and a be a grown up a bit more - I don't want that, I just want to have fun.

Being around people who don't judge, who recognise that you can bring something unique and who boost your confidence when you do create the smallest of drops of creative thinking, those are the people I recommend that you seek out. The ones who actually want you to be your creative self and the ones who appreciate the effort that you go to to create.

Creating is effortless when you have the time to appreciate it - you just need that little push to open the tap (ok, I lied - I did it again).

// The Full Flow

So now, I’m back in it - not completely drenched, but definitely standing under the spray.

I’m not chasing perfection, I’m chasing momentum. And that, I’ve realised, is the bit I missed most.

It’s not the likes or the shares or the final cut - it's the doing, the spark, the energy that comes from seeing an idea move from your head into your hands.

This last stretch of picking up the camera, saying yes, showing up - it’s reminded me that creativity isn’t something you lose, it’s something that waits patiently for you to come back. And now that I’m back, I’m going to do everything I can to keep that flow going.

Because when it’s flowing, life just feels better.

And actually, I feel better.