Relevance Was a Fight.

// The Best Work I've Ever Made

Last week was intense - I mean like genuinely off the scale crazy - the You Are the Media Creator Day event was the best yet and I kicked it all off with my short mini film - Relevance.

I just want to say, right up front that I have been blown away by all the comments, DM's and voice notes from people who have now seen the video and it's got to the point where the imposter syndrome in my head has nothing to argue with, it's stopped telling me that people are only saying this to be kind - I now truly believe that people are saying it because I made something worthy of the love.

The Relevance video was the first piece of work for myself which I fully committed to creating from the vision which was in my head - the idea matched the output (with some minor tweaks) and whilst I suffered in the last few weeks of creating it, it has 100% been worth it - I think the word I am looking for is 'proud'.

I am proud of myself and the work I produced - it's been a long time coming and as I look back, it was a a breakthrough moment in so many ways.

For you - you can watch the video here - https://youtu.be/-cd9wvJWMQs

// The Panic

Whilst I am proud - I have to say it was the hardest piece of work to actually get finished. I don't mean that in the way that you probably think - it wasn't the amount of work I had to do or the amount of editing which needed to be done, it was a truly mental only battle which left me in a place which I never thought I would be.

I don't want to ruin the work by telling you this but it wasn't a joyful piece to create - the anxiety, pressure and a purely irrational fear of failure led me to feeling some pretty vivid symptoms if I'm honest - I would have moments where my chest would pound and I was becoming increasingly worried at the end about whether I was going to let Mark down or not and all of this added to the feeling of pressure.

Now, Mark (the organiser of the event) wasn't putting me under any pressure - he's not a slave driver who demands perfection, far from it - he was as supportive as he can be and he was as flexible as you would have wanted him to be.. the words of "as long as you have it done before we step on stage" will ring forever in my ears - he wasn't driving me hard to make sure he had it a week before - he understood that its the way I work and he was trusting enough to give me space to create.

I want to tell you something now which I think you'll relate to but again, I don't want you to think that this has affected the video in any way, it hasn't.

I think what I was feeling when I was creating this video was my body's response to 'getting going' again after a period of burnout.

My body was reacting and telling me (in it's own special not so subtle way) that it didn't want me to work this hard and it didn't want me to step into a space where I was going to push myself hard again - it was literally having panic attacks about nothing but I feel like it was trying to protect me from 'going again'.

I was working my nuts off two years ago, effectively doing two jobs and with no extra recognition (in fact the opposite) and no additional pay - I was burning the candle so bright on one side of my life that I wasn't able to create anything on the other end - I didn't post on my Instagram, Linkedin or Youtube for over a year and it was only when I started writing The Clique that I found some form of solace. All of this was a tough time for me.

It massively affected me and it had a lasting impact on my family which is why I think my body went a little crazy.

I think there was a residue of that period in my body and this was the last chance to shift it forever.

// My Friendship

Mark runs You Are the Media - it's a community which cares about the people within it, it's full of support and it's non-judgemental. It wants everyone in 'it' to succeed and there are no barriers to entry - you don't have to have had success previously, you don't need to be loud and you certainly don't need to be Mark's friend to be near the front. The You are the Media crowd is not a meritocracy - you're not selected to be a part of it because of the work you produce, you're a part of it because you want to join in.

You don't come into the space because you want to sell something, you come into it because you want others to succeed and with that whole mentality, you'll find that the people who do want to sell you something are quite often the ones who leave quite quickly.

There is no barrier to entry - you don't need to be special - you just have to be you.

But... because of that lack of barrier, the fact that everyone is included and that opportunities are given to you because of Mark - you don't want to let him down.

I am privileged to be (very) good friends with Mark - I socialise with him, I know his wife and kids and he knows mine. We've shared a few drunken nights together and I see him a couple of times a week and when you're offered a platform to show your work and my god, a large cinema screen in front of over 200 people is an opportunity for me, you don't want to let him down.

That added to the (completely unintentional) pressure to deliver.

Last year (Creator Day 2024) - John Jocham and I created a video which showcased where people were going to go, what they were going to do and it was a 'safe' video - still had some creative moments but it was 'safe'. I was in a boot when I filmed and edited it and most importantly, I wasn't in it so I didn't have to see myself or script myself when editing, I could sit behind the camera and then have full autonomy when it came to putting it together.

This year was different - it was me in front of (and behind) the camera and I knew that the event was going to be the biggest its ever been - all of that and I didn't want to let my friend down.

It wasn't the pressure he was giving to me, it was because I care.

// The Shift

I didn't get a real sense that I was going to finish my video until the night before the event - this sounds crazy and I can imagine you all reading this thinking the same as any other logical person would think - why didn't you just do it the week before??

But I wanted a shot - a single shot - one which I needed to film on the day before (I'll tell you a little secret in a minute) - I wanted a shot of the community because without the community, this film was just going to be me.. me and my voice telling a story.

So at the Failed Nights event, I grabbed a microphone, I delivered my line to camera and BAM... the vision was complete. You can see that shot in the video - when I deliver the line about being together and even when I'd delivered that line, the intentional camera movement of still having me in frame, smiling and the motion of bringing the camera down - it was all intentional, I wanted it to feel real and to have energy.

That was the shift. But it wasn't supposed to be that shot.

I actually told Mark that I wanted to finish the video with the crowd outside the Lighthouse (the venue for the event) on the morning of the event - so I would have needed to get downstairs just 30 mins before the event started, film a piece to camera, then run back upstairs, grab the footage and put that into the video.. then do the export, transfer it over to Marks computer and then run with it - all of that in 30 minutes.

No wonder I was having kittens.

And then I thought better of it - the 'morning of' shot became the 'night before' shot and I'm so glad I did that - it gave me time and space to finish the last little edit.

But not only that - the fact that I had that shot in the bag meant I'd done all the shots - the final shot meant that I could actually finish it.

// The Finish

When I did finish the edit - which was genuinely at 0530 on the morning of the event, I cried. Tears rolled down my face but I was smiling, it was a massive release of emotion and I hope that when you watched the video, you got that emotion carried through.

I think it was my body's way of letting go - of telling me that it was ok and that it was relieved.

I couldn't actually believe I had finished it - the vision I had became a reality in front of me and I was so excited to share it. All the anguish, all the anxiety and all the worry, it all left me. I wasn't worried anymore, I wasn't scared of creating something and I just wanted to share it.

I was excited at that moment to share it and I did - I messaged Mark and told him. It was finished.

He watched it (as I dropped it into a Google Drive, not because we live together) and he messaged me back to say he had tears (in the best way) and that it was my best piece of work. His wife then watched it and she echoed the same feelings, she said that she thought it was amazing and that I'd created something 'genuinely amazing'.

That was the start of it. The wave of positivity - from two friends and when I got to the theatre, I was excited to press play for everyone. If everyone felt the same as these two, it was going to be good.

So I pressed play - up on stage in front of over 200 people, the lights went down, the opening shot hit the screen and for the next 3 minutes, I watched my video play from the side of the stage.

Then the screen faded to black, the words 'Welcome to Creator Day 2025' appeared on the screen and the crowd applauded and whooped.

I have never felt anything like it.

I was blown away - it landed, it actually f*cking landed and I couldn't be more happy.

I was blown away - my next job was to introduce Mark - I did so with a bit of disbelief ringing in my ears and then, scurried off stage and sat right at the back of the theatre. I felt my chest pound, I smiled and sunk into my chair - relaxed for the first time in ages.

// Looking back.

When I came up with the idea of the video, it felt impossible to tell the story - I mean, I could see the story, I knew how I wanted it to play out but I didn't think I'd be able to 'create' it. It was an idea which lived in my head for months, refining the script, getting feedback and then the editing and shooting phase.

The opening shots of the video (the static images all piled into one to spell the word 'relevance') - those took half a Saturday to film, then the Army archive footage, that took another half day to trawl through.

This wasn't just an exercise in 'creating' a video though - this was a healing process and a test.

I overcame the mental barrier in myself by finishing this video, for so many months I've been filming and never finishing, I'd lost confidence in front of the camera, I'd taken my cameras to far flung places and never got round to taking the footage and making something - all because my body and mind wouldn't allow me to.

The deadline of getting this video finished actually pushed me into a place where my body didn't want to do - it meant I had to finish something and it was a message to my future self that when you do finish something, good things happen.

This wasn't just a video - it was a breakthrough.

And if you're struggling to find that place - one where you want to create something.. just push yourself and know - it will be ok.

This video gave me back a part of myself I thought I’d lost.

It reminded me that creating something personal isn't about perfection or polish - it’s about turning up, even when it hurts. Even when your head tells you not to. Even when your body tries to shut it all down.

The truth is, the fear didn’t vanish when the video was finished. It shifted. It became pride. It became clarity. It became proof that I could still do this - not just make a video, but believe in the value of my own voice.

So if you’re reading this and you’re stuck in that strange space where the ideas are there, but your hands won’t move - I get it.

I’ve been there.

And I can tell you now, on the other side of it: you don’t have to wait for the fear to leave before you start.

You just have to begin. Even if it’s messy. Even if it feels like you’re about to break.

Because sometimes, finishing the thing isn’t the end of the story - it’s the beginning of getting yourself back.

Thanks for reading.
Thanks for watching.
And if you're creating something right now, keep going.

Honestly… it might just change you.